My Story of Solo Sex
Most people have known several stages in their sexual life. This is certainly true of me, and my personal experience with masturbation.
Like all young men, at the onset of puberty I began to experience erections, and not too long after that I discovered that touching myself was very pleasurable. For whatever reason I would resist the urge, but many times I gave in and masturbated. My Christian male friends and I would talk, swap stories, and occasionally asked each other if we were still "walking in victory."
Then things got "interesting." I discovered sexy pictures. The Sears catalogue with its delightful underwear ads and swimsuits. Then my grandfathers stash of forbidden erotica. I found a Playboy somewhere. I soon learned that I could produce an erection by looking, touching myself, and using my imagination. The experience was much more enjoyable when I did.
After I married I continued to occasionally masturbate, feeling guilty most of the time. I would repent, stop briefly, but eventually go back at it.
After my marriage ended I continued the ongoing cycle of “victory,” and “defeat.” I came to believe that total celibacy was the ideal, but for now I was a masturbator, and I was not to “sweat it.” God was focussed on other things, and I needed to cooperate with Him, not pursue my own agenda. That level of acceptance brought great relief.
On Valentine’s Day 1995
I made a commitment
before the Lord
that by His grace
I would masturbate no more.
Then one day God began to deal with my heart about this thing. In His own way He let me know that it was time for me to surrender to Him this aspect of my sexuality. So, on Valentine’s Day 1995 I made a commitment before the Lord that by His grace I would masturbate no more. I got rid of everything I was using for sexual stimulation. I put a ring of commitment on my finger, and from that moment on I walked in “victory.” God gave me the gift of total celibacy. I would wake up with an erection, and just look at it and say, “No way there old boy!” I was hard, but not masturbating was easy. This was not grit. It was pure grace. I even began, in my late 30s to have wet dreams again, for which I was most thankful. At least I could enjoy a few sleepy moments of unintended pleasure and release. (Even Jesus as a man enjoyed that much.)
Eventually I remarried, and to be honest my gift of celibacy was so wonderful that it was only with great reluctance that I surrendered it to my spouse. And for over seven years of marriage I did not stimulate and gratify myself ever, not even once. My wife believed in "never saying no," and I partook of her "secret garden," frequently. I thought masturbation would never again be a part of my life. I was in for a pleasant surprise.
Too Much Sex
Sex between my wife and I was good. She herself was multi-orgasmic, and in one lovemaking session several times a month she could have six or seven climaxes and be quite satisfied until the next time. I, on the other hand, wanted sex at least six out of every seven days. So, we would have short sexual encounters for my benefit, and more involved and extended lovemaking when she was ready for it.
But seven years and ten months into our marriage, something shifted, dramatically. Sex began to feel strained. It became obvious that she was having a more and more difficult time with the frequency of our encounters. So much so that she began to seriously pray about what to do. She wanted to continue to be available, especially since she knew how important it was to me. She desperately wanted to continue to be a good wife. But being my sole provider of sexual pleasure and release was wearing her down.
I too began to find things difficult. We would be making love and something would just plain feel wrong. Slowly I too came to realize that things were too much for her. But what to do? Little did I know where God was leading.
One quiet day, while sitting together in our backyard, we had a meaningful, unguarded conversation. She mentioned how difficult things were becoming for her. I acknowledged the fact and told her I too had been praying and pondering the matter. I said, "You know, if I were talking to any other guy about this I would advise him, hopefully with his wife’s consent, to begin talking care of his own sexual needs more, privately. I have never believed self-gratification is totally wrong. I have just believed that it was wrong for me. It has been a covenant between the Lord and I."
that I should
Then we talked about what we had regarded as the "ideal" in marriage. Full reciprocal sex whenever the wife wanted it, and frequent "sexual snacks" to keep the husband satisfied in between each "full meal deal." We agreed that this was a wonderful standard, but perhaps we were setting our sights too high for who were today. Without seeing it coming in any way we suddenly arrived at "the question." I said, "Lately I have been thinking it would be better for both of us if I took care of some of my own sexual needs, privately." Much to my surprise my very relieved wife said, "Yes, I agree." I wanted it to be absolutely clear. I needed to name it. "So then, you agree that I should masturbate." "Yes, that would be wonderful." We agreed that my doing this, having less sex with her, and surrendering my state of being a non-masturbating person, would be a great act of love for my wife.
Wow. What a surprise. That evening I tried. Unsuccessfully. After all, by body had been trained to respond to one thing and one thing alone - the presence and person of my wife. For over eight years and two and a half months I had not climaxed, except in her company. The next afternoon I tried again, but as horny as I was, I was not able to get anywhere. So, I told her about it. We agreed that I just might need some help. That evening she spent a few minutes with me, touching, caressing, and getting my "motor" running. When I was sufficiently stimulated, she left the house to go out for the evening. And I had a much better, and easier, time. Actually, it was quite wonderful.
The last time I had masturbated was February 13, 1996. The next day I made a Valentine’s Day "love agreement" with God to never do so again. The next time I masturbated was May 2, 2004. Eight years and two and a half months later. I did so, I believe, directed of God, and out of love for my wife. Today I masturbate regularly. I do so using whatever aids I can legitimately use. I regard it as a wonderful, precious gift from God.
The Blessings of Masturbation
My masturbation became a great blessing to both of us. Our time together was much more intentional, more relaxed, less urgent, more by choice than by necessity. A couple of days after I began to masturbate again I wrote in my journal about the results of the change in our sexual life. I said,
- I feel closer to my wife than I have in a long time.
- She feels more like a friend than she has been, a friend with whom I will have sex when it is mutually agreeable, and enjoyable. Not by necessity, but by choice. Not with any degree of imposed frequency, but when we really both want it.
- I feel that we will be much more able to live independent and autonomous lives, and enjoy what time (social, sexual, and in every other way) we do spend together much more.
- I have reclaimed a part of my personhood that had somehow gotten lost.
I know that my story will not impress some. The hard liners will see it as accommodating sin. Some of them may even say that I should have just refrained from so much sex with my wife, and have had the self-control to abstain from personal gratification as well. Others may be tempted to ask, what is the big deal? Just go and jerk off, and don’t make it such a big "God thing.
To the hardliners I say that this is how God has led me. If He required that I have sexual release less frequently, or not at all, I would certainly obey. I have done so in the past. And I know that He would again give me the grace for that.
But that is not what God has asked of me. This is how I believe His Holy Spirit has led me.
And to those with less concern about such matters I say that nothing is beyond the need to please God. "Whatsoever you do in word or in deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ." And pleasing God in as vital an area as our sexuality is most important.
God bless you.